Locus of Control

It’s one of those days where I feel so small; smaller than usual. Everything I do is so trivial. Writing chemical reactions, discussing the Bible, objectifying people’s behaviors… In the end, what good will this do for me

I want to leave, explore, get lost, find my way. I want an exciting life. I want to travel and meet strangers with completely different lives. I want to end these chapters of my life where I come to a dead end. I want to move on and make my life worthwhile.

Uncertainty is a part of life but it doesn’t have to take control. I am the pioneer of how I lead my life, and I need to escape this mental jail I keep myself in. My locus of control is unknown but that shouldn’t stop me from trying. What will be, will be; I will take life by the reins and I will find my way. I want to, at least.

I thought things were getting easier. Everything’s just getting more complicated.

Baby Steps

So here are some things I thought I would and could never do: Hike up a mountain with a bag about a third of my weight, camp overnight and make conversation with strangers, and pee behind a bush and in front of a horse!

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“From the time I woke up in the morning until the time I went to bed at night, I was unbearably miserable and seemingly incapable of any kind of joy or enthusiasm. Everything—every thought, word, movement—was an effort. Everything that once was sparkling now was flat. I seemed to myself to be dull, boring, inadequate, thick brained, unlit, unresponsive, chill skinned, bloodless, and sparrow drab. I doubted, completely, my ability to do anything well. It seemed as though my mind had slowed down and burned out to the point of being virtually useless. The wretched, convoluted, and pathetically confused mass of gray worked only well enough to torment me with a dreary litany of my inadequacies and shortcomings in character and to taunt me with the total, the desperate hopelessness of it all.”

—Kay Redfield Jamison

To Silang

Took these photos before and during my immersion in Silang, Cavite. It was from May 12-15.

2/3 of my roommates! I got the bunk. Fun, but so difficult sometimes.

These dogs ran after me after I took this photo :((

That’s not a bee hive. THOSE ARE JUST BEES. FREAKING SERIOUS MAN IT IS SO FREAKY.

These are the only photos I’m pretty okay with. Everything else is just for the sake of documentation and whatnot. Also, nonsense. Hahaha!

Stressed out and fed up

“I found that you just, you can’t be honest with people in general unless you really, really, really, really trust them. And even when you do, you lose a lot of friends because they don’t understand.”

—A patient with bipolar disorder (as cited in Michalak, Lakshmi, Kolesar, & Lam, 2006, p. 32).

What has become of my life

My study materials that did me no good during my test. I want to die now.