Med school. Wow. I started this tumblr account when I was in high school, and look where I am now. Still writing for an audience that doesn’t exist. But if someone somehow manages to read this, then: Hey, whoever you are! Hello! I hope you aren’t having a crappy time like I am.
Med school is difficult. Most of your time goes to trying to cram a college sem’s worth of information into your brain for one long exam. You end relationships. Sleep happens occasionally. People are smarter than you. They don’t try as hard, and they don’t panic as much, but they still do better than you. But what do you expect? These people top bar exams in their undergrad field. They graduated with honors. They’re on scholarships. What do you have? You have a diploma, average grades, and a decent admission score. You’re getting by, one way or another. You can’t complain. But you feel anxious. All the time. You’re alone now, so you feel more fragile than when you started. You don’t think you’re good enough, and you feel like you’re hanging by a thread. But that’s okay. You just have to work a little harder.
Life is unfair. Life is tough. You just gotta keep on going. You can’t stop. You can’t. You go until you die.
What I want to see from our president is passion. I want to see his passion when he talks, when he argues, when he sings the national anthem. I want to see the passion he had for his country to become its president. I don’t want to see some guy who’s just trying to do his job. I want to see a man who loves his country and does everything in his power to pick up and rebuild its remains.
“There is no time, there is only eternity and the implacable reality that even life could be ephemeral and nothing more than a season, another summer grown cold. And with the sunlight gone, night is here.”—F. Sionil Jose, The Pretenders
“So what do I want out of life? I want to be justified. Whatever I do, in my heart, I want it to be right. I want to say I did it because it had to be done. I may be proved wrong but it does not matter; at least, to my own self, I must be true.”—F. Sionil Jose, The Pretenders
“Freelancing in Somalia during their civil war and in Kuwait right after the first Bush War, I had some rather intense experiences that made life in the U.S. seem rather shallow and superfluous. Sitting in my office early one morning, listening to NPR, which is the way I like to start every day, I heard an amazing piece on the marketing of Madonna’s autobiographic book called SEX. The book was a sensation in the U.S. The radio report ended with Madonna singing, ‘I am living in a material world and I am just a material girl,’ or something close. I thought it was spot on. We live in an idiotic capitalist self-indulgent society where the sex life of a pop star is more important than impending starvation, land mines and child soldiers in Africa, or more interesting than the world’s biggest man-made natural disaster in oil fields of the Middle East.”—Peter Menzel
“Here is a list of fearful things:
The jaws of sharks, a vulture’s wings,
The rabid bite of the dog’s of war,
The voice of one who went before.
But most of all the mirror’s gaze,
which counts us out our numbered days.”—Clive Barker
A thought crossed my mind as I killed a mosquito a few minutes ago — I just killed a living creature just because it irritated me. The only reason it irritated me was because it needed to in order to survive. And I killed it. Its short time on earth was cut even shorter just because I didn’t want to put up with its skin-irritating blood-sucking nature. If I killed any other larger creatures just because they irritated me, that would have been considered murder or animal cruelty. What makes it okay for me to kill an insect when all it’s doing is supporting itself? All the while, I can’t kill any person if s/he intentionally irritates or angers me because that would be considered inhumane. Sure, mosquitoes can carry dengue and other diseases but it wasn’t intentional! They’re just living their lives!
… This doesn’t mean I won’t stop killing mosquitoes though. I’m just saying I feel a little bad about it.
It’s tough when you’re given distinctions as to what you want to do and what you have to do.
You want to drive, you want to get out of here and flee; you want to trek the world and see life unfiltered. You have to study and get a distinguished high-paying job; you have to follow the norms of society. You want to follow your ideals and desires but you have to fend for yourself. You want to do all that crap but you have to be fucking practical, man.
Distinctions are meant to simplify but ultimately complicate. You want life to come with a handy manual but you have to deal without it.
Says you're fighting ga battle with insecurity one day at a time, but you seem like a really interesting, intelligent person. Really! And less important and perhaps a little weird, but you're very pretty. :)
Hi. Hahaha is this the same anon who’s always so nice to me? Thank you for your kind words! I’m sure I put on a better facade on my blog than my actual self, so please don’t overestimate me! Haha!
It’s very touching to hear people (anonymous or not!) being so nice, especially after getting that anon before you. I’m actually quite surprised I’m still getting some messages here and there once in a while, even though I’m very inactive.
Also, I don’t often get messages about my looks so thank you haha this is kinda awkward. Ahahaha. Awkwardness strikes again! Yes, I am quite insecure (several reasons why) and posting on this blog really helps be release some pent up feelings I keep. Thank you for visiting mind. :)
Filipino language is very easy to learn maybe you're just a slow learner.
Wow, where did this even come from :)) I don’t think I’ve posted about speaking Filipino in a really long time, so I honestly don’t know where this is coming from lol.
I don’t think you can just “learn” a language, it should come second nature to you. As for me, English was my first language and what I use all the time. I don’t speak in Tagalog at home and I don’t usually converse in it outside my home either, so I don’t sound natural when I speak. I do know how to speak, I just have poor vocabulary and a terrible accent. :P
It is so sad when you give up one passion for another.
You realize there are two types of needs: the need to stay alive and the need to be alive. Seemingly synonymous, but very much different.
Staying alive requires you to be educated, make a living, and find any means to continue to exist on this planet.
Being alive has one sole requirement: to be happy.
There comes a time where you either think that you need to stay alive to be alive, or be alive to stay alive. Sometimes, the lines get blurred and you think they are one in the same. Conversely, you may believe you will need to give one of them up.
I am at the point in my life where I have no fucking clue. I am fully aware of my needs and what I can do to reach those dreams, but I doubt the reality of having both needs achieved in my life. Yes, I could have happiness even when I choose the path of staying alive, but a part of me will always be yearning for that alternative route I could have gone. It seems so forlorn to have both my needs achieved side by side; very much unrealistic and quite foolish to even attempt. But I must try, right? I should at least be able to give myself the pat on the back and a bittersweet “you tried”? Because no matter slim the chances, no matter unlikely the event, there is still hope – for me and for my need to be alive.
It’s one of those days where I feel so small; smaller than usual. Everything I do is so trivial. Writing chemical reactions, discussing the Bible, objectifying people’s behaviors… In the end, what good will this do for me
I want to leave, explore, get lost, find my way. I want an exciting life. I want to travel and meet strangers with completely different lives. I want to end these chapters of my life where I come to a dead end. I want to move on and make my life worthwhile.
Uncertainty is a part of life but it doesn’t have to take control. I am the pioneer of how I lead my life, and I need to escape this mental jail I keep myself in. My locus of control is unknown but that shouldn’t stop me from trying. What will be, will be; I will take life by the reins and I will find my way. I want to, at least.
So here are some things I thought I would and could never do: Hike up a mountain with a bag about a third of my weight, camp overnight and make conversation with strangers, and pee behind a bush and in front of a horse!